The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
