I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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