just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
