I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
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