i already hear my dad disowning me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
