Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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