Well apparently he's into motor boating.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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