the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
