Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
