you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
