The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
