I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
