I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
