I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
