jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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