I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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