So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
