non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
