Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think your dad took our porno
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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