my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
