It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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