Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
