So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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