haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
