I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
