is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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