So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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