This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
