I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
