bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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