New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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