So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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