can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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