is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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