I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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