She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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