you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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