They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
