So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
