i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
