Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
