so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
