I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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