you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
