I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
