So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
