I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
