we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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