you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
