I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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