I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
