Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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