There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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