i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
