We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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