Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
you had me at cake vodka
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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