Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
