I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
