I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
