you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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