Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
